1. Go as Michael Jackson

Not only did he just die recently, which is creepy enough, but he was just a creepy guy all around, and everyone is still sort of unsure about the whole “little boy” thing. Most people that see you in this costume will probably try to detain you so that you can’t ruin the trick-or-treating fun of any youngsters that night.

2. Stay Home and Hand Out Candy

Obvious the laws of probability say that if you don’t go anywhere, you won’t meet anyone, and this couldn’t be any truer than on Halloween. If for some reason you do end up being stuck home doing this (we pity you) for the love of god, do NOT hand out apples or toothbrushes. Houses get egged and TP’ed for a reason. Crappy candy.

3. Cross-Dress

Everybody dreams of being able to retire early, or even better, right now, but is it realistic? There are lots of different approaches, but they all have their downsides.

1. Injure Yourself On Purpose

Sure it may be insurance fraud, but are you really going to care when you’re living the easy life collecting disability? They will pay you, because you are unable to work and all it is going to cost you is a normal lifestyle and probably never getting laid again for the rest of your life. At least you never have to wake up to an alarm clock again though.

2. Join a Cult

It may not exactly keep you from having to work, but if you play your cards right you can rise to the top ranks of the cult and people will just be basically throwing you money. Just make sure that after you have everyone’s money and it is time for the suicide pact, that you keep a special cup of Kool Aid with no cyanide in it.

We’ve all been in that desperate situation of having a lot of beer, none of which are cold and very little time, or money for new cold beer. The good news is, all you need is some water, ice and a little salt. The salt does something to lower the freezing temperature of the water or something scientific like that. Anyways, check it out.

This book is your one-stop resource to learn how to do everything you have ever wanted to do but have always been told not to. You can learn how to make your own black powder, flamethrower, rockets — even absinthe. It also covers topics like how to eat dangerously and smoke cigarettes, and while these things may not be good for your health, fun things never usually are. $12.

Some people were meant to do great things in life, that help people recover from diseases and live longer. Other people were meant to figure out how to get a free meal at McDonalds, effectively pissing off the guy behind you and causing an infinite amount of confusion amongst the 8 McDonalds staff with a collective IQ of 74. Whatever category ou put yourself in, don’t go hungry!