1. Go as Michael Jackson

Not only did he just die recently, which is creepy enough, but he was just a creepy guy all around, and everyone is still sort of unsure about the whole “little boy” thing. Most people that see you in this costume will probably try to detain you so that you can’t ruin the trick-or-treating fun of any youngsters that night.

2. Stay Home and Hand Out Candy

Obvious the laws of probability say that if you don’t go anywhere, you won’t meet anyone, and this couldn’t be any truer than on Halloween. If for some reason you do end up being stuck home doing this (we pity you) for the love of god, do NOT hand out apples or toothbrushes. Houses get egged and TP’ed for a reason. Crappy candy.

3. Cross-Dress

Good thing it’s also probably one of the funniest. I’m no one to pick talent out of a crowd, but I’m pretty damn good at spotting something that sucks. Good thing this one has a laugh factor.

It’s actually only the guy on the left who is terrible, and I don’t know whether or not I should feel bad for laughing at him, because he does look like he might be handicapped in some way. Oh well, I can’t help what I think is funny.

Circumcisions are a pretty scary thing. Personally I’m extremely thankful that I don’t remember a thing about mine, although I’ve been told I was the best endowed baby that the doctor had laid eyes on, unfortunately for me it’s still that size. Anyways even more thankful that I am that I don’t remember anything about it, I can’t be thankful enough for the fact that it wasn’t this guy performing it.